Last Friday

Thanks Moma for the lovely walk in the Avenues this evening.





Gardenias

I groomed our Gardenia today. It's tall and large, and the loveliest of things growing in our front yard. It is this and the Meyer Lemon in our back yard that I hold closest to my heart.

I don't do much gardening. I'm trying to love it; I want so badly to be unafraid of the sun and dirt. I want to be healed by the earth and inspired by the growth. So I went out this morning and attempted to deadhead the gardenia. My hands got moderately dirty and I think that I did.... an adequate job. I couldn't get to the very top, even with the dusty step ladder that I was using, and I avoided the right side almost entirely because of a spider. I was so proud of myself for being outside and got too excited in the beginning, so I when I snipped of TWO unbloomed buds in one cut, I was devastated about what I had done and slowed it down from there.

Even something so grand as this thriving Gardenia has its imperfections and needs a little help. Everything needs comfort. Everyone needs a little help to grow. Tending to this Gardenia was so honoring. I have always been a little wary of things such as this, and despite all my discomfort around the spiderwebs and soil, was able to comfort and take loving care of myself. Such growth.

The leaves of the Gardenia!

Sounds So Good

I was settin' in my car just the other day. I reached for a magazine I had on the floor of the passenger's side and turned exactly to this article. (I turned to the page reading, "The Beginner's Guide to Kauai"--- equally appropriate.)

It has been years since I've been back. It's been months since I've had my ticket. And it will be two weeks tomorrow until I step on that plane, and fly to the place where I was born.

My time is now. I really feel--- I really believe--- that I'm going to love Kauai.

Detour

I don't mean to whine, but I'm tired. Spending two nights up past my bedtime doesn't feel good on my body.

I was talking to my friend earlier this week, telling her how I went out downtown late in the afternoon (5:00pm!!!). And I really had no sense of direction either. I just needed a sketchbook from the used bookstore. It took a few hours to convince myself that it would be ok for me to go outside of the house for a bit. I'm a big girl.
And I survived every obstacle that day--- like the detour because of road construction, my car dying (again) in the parking lot, and the confrontation with my potential agoraphobia.
When I said that I had fun, but how I felt a little disorganized and frantic in the beginning of it all, she laughed. She said something to the effect of, "That is who you are. And you shouldn't feel like you need to change that."

I held that close to my heart this morning, feeling really disorganized and really frantic. I slept in past my precious hour of 6:00am. I missed my brisk walk down Vallombrosa. And I had a desire for nothing else but to have my structure and regularity back, even just for a little while longer, before I lose it again. And I'll adjust, I'll survive. But I need to recuperate first. Because that is who I am.

Beginning

This is the beginning---
I'm creating this blog for myself, mostly. Selfishly. Just a light, little journal to keep as I move along. I've got places to go, and things to do. And it's all happening--- day to day today.
And so this is only the beginning.